After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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