Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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