watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
