your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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