she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
sarcasm needs its own font
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
