My nipple is on Facebook.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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