How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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