I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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