Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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