i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
