Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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