Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
