I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
