When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
