That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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