Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
