How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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