No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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