I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
