billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
