my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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