my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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