i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
