so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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