I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
