my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
