i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
