A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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