Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
