I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
