I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
