The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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