I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
