he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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