Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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