its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
not ubering you a puppy
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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