Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
