U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
