Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
