I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
