I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
