Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
