smell my finger.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
