My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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