Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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