As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize