after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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