Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
