I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
