I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize