I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
