I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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