I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
