If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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