this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize