I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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