Betty ford says i'm here all night
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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