Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
