I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
