the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
