4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
